Only For Laugh's

Talk about anything you want...

Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 27 Sep 2012, 20:57

"A Shy Young Guy Goes to Bar & Sees A Beautiful girl sitting alone..
He Gathers some Courage, Goes to her Table & Asks: "Would you Mind if i Sit Here Besides you?"
She Responds Loudly: "No I don't wanna spend Night with you!"
Everyone At Bar Turned & Stared the guy.
Young Guy Shocked &
Embarrassed Goes Back to his table.

After Few Minutes That Girl Slowly walks to him, apologizes & Says "You see I'm a Student In Psychology & Studying how People respond to Embarrassing Situations !"
Guy Responds Loudly "What! $ 30,000/- for one Night? That's Too Much!"

Everyone Stares at the girl,
Guy Silently Whispers "Don't mess with me" :D"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Br0k3n » 27 Sep 2012, 23:56

LOL, nice one :)
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It˙s nice to be important..but it˙s more important to be nice!!
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Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|#.Jay.# » 28 Sep 2012, 00:12

lol nice
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Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:13

"A man walked into a pharmacy which was owned by Two Young Ladies & said "This is embarrassing to say, but I have a permanent erection. I was wondering what you can give me for it."

The lady said:"Just a minute, I'll go & talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "Listen, we discussed it at length & the absolute best we can do is -1/3 ownership in our business + a company car + free board & lodging + £2000 per month!!
Would that be sufficient?....."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:13

"Men are like babies: If you want them to shut up put a boob in their mouth ;)"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:14

"I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "Nooo...you're pulling my leg.""
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:14

"A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:15

"My wife was dying. I was by
her bedside. She said in a tired voice,
"There's something i must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No i must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best
friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "That's why i
poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:15

"My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it.

Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.

She's a cracker."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:16

"ATTENTION: All men who suffer from premature ejaculation, there will be an anonymous meeting at the local pub tomorrow.

.Make sure you come early!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:17

"A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:17

"A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,"About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:18

"If it looks like an ass,
walks like an ass,
talks like an ass,
acts like an ass and spews nothing but shit.....like an ass
chances are..
Its just my Ex."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:18

"I picked up a girl in a bar last night, I took her home, and started getting it on. I start sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

I says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:18

"WALLET SCAM WARNING! In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL! PS You can buy wallets for 99P in Poundstretchers."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:19

"A Truck Driver was driving his fully
loaded rig to the top of the steep
hill.Just as he was starting down the
equally steep other side,he noticed
a man and a woman lying in the
center of the road,making wild and
passionate love.

In total disbelief,he blew his air
horn several times as he was bearing
down on them.He realized that they
were not going to stop or get out of
his way,so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from
them.

Furious,he got out of the cab and
walked to the front of the truck.He
looked down at the two,still in the
road and yelled ''What the hell's the
matter with you two?Didn't you hear
me blowing the horn? You could
have been killed!''

Eventually,the man looked up at the
truck driver,obviously satisfied and
not too concerned and said ''Look,I
was cuming,She was cuming and
you were coming.You were the only
one with brakes...........'
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:20

"Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:20

"Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the heck up!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:21

"There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:21

"Am I as bored as you are? (or, read it backwards)"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:22

"My wife left me. I need help. Do the tomatoes go under the lettuce or ontop of the Ham?"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:23

"The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Belfast.
Paddy walks on stage and asks, "Can you help with my hearing?"
The Pope says, "Yes" & puts his hands on Paddy's ears then prays, removes his hands, and says, "How is your hearing now?"
Paddy says "I don't know, its not 'til next Wednesday"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:24

"In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst,brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.

Plunging downwards to the ground
the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:25

"Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:26

"Spent $40 on eBay last week for a fucking penis enlarger.Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:26

"There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” the little boy said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, “Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yes, He sure did,” said the cop and smiled.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.”
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:28

"I was in ASDA today with 2 full trollies of booze & all my shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk so i asked her"Is that all u have love?" And she replied "Yes" So i did the decent thing and told her 2 go 2 an other till cause i was gonna take ages!!!!!!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:29

"As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:30

"I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:31

"A guy is sitting at the bar when a skinhead comes in and kicks him in the head. "That was a karate kick from Japan!" He says. A few days later the skin head comes back and smacks the same guy on the back of his head saying "Thats a kung fu chop from China!!" The little guy gets fed up and leaves the bar. He comes back and hour later and smacks the skin head across the back of his head and says to the barman "Tell that cunt when he wakes up that was a fucking crowbar from homebase!""
ETc|Sparky
 

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