Only For Laugh's

Talk about anything you want...

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:31

"When i was teaching at the school the other day a student came in 15 minutes late. I said
"Where have you been?"
"I've been up Mary Hill sir," the boy said. So then I asked him to sit down and get on with his work. 5 minutes later another boy walks in.
"Where have you been?" I demanded.
"I've been up Mary Hill sir," He said. Then he sat down and got on with his work. 20 minutes later another boy walks in.
"Where have you been?" I demanded once again.
"I've been up Mary Hill sir."
" A young girl walks in and i said.Dont tell me you have been up maryhill as well?
"Young girl replyed no sir,I am Mary Hill.
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:32

"A Tim, a hun, a hot blonde and a fat woman get on the tube. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap. When the lights come on, the Hun has a big red handprint on his face.
The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Hun must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."
The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Hun tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."
The Hun thinks: "Hey, that Tim must have gone for the blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Tim thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can smack that Hun fucker again"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:33

"A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all
put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL
3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say
BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going
to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and
yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled
"BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled
"BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:33

"I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.

I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"
£5" said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"

I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
£5" said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"

I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?".
£5 said the driver.
"Ok" I said "Let's go"

As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face.

That will teach the runt!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:34

"Three blokes, Steve, Dave and Bruce, are working on a high rise .... one of them (Steve) falls to his death.
The other two have to decide who will break the news to his missus.
Dave decides he'll do it as he's pretty good at that caring sentimental stuff and off he trots.
Three hours later he's back with a crate of Stella under his arm.
"Where'd you get that mate?" asks Bruce.
"Steve's missus gave me it."
"So you told her her husbands dead, and she gave you a crate of Stella?"
"Well, not exactly. When she opened the door I said, 'hi you must be Steve's widow.' She replied that she wasn't a widow and I said, 'I bet you a crate of Stella you fucking are.'
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:35

"I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:35

"Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their trolleys around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's okay. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, a nice peachy bottom and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:36

"Took my 84yr old dad shopping+called into the pub 4 a pint like u do.sittìng opposite was a teenager with green,blue+red hair.after putting up with my dad staring at him 4 over half n hour,the teenager says,whats up old man?never done anything wild in your life?without battìng a eyelid,my dad replies,"fucked a peacock once!..just wondered if u were the result!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:36

"Paddy & Murphy sat at Dublin airport.waiting flight to Alicante Murphy says"I wish I'd brought the television" "why are you bored?" ? asks Paddy. "No the fucking passports are on top of it""
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:37

"Wee Glasgow ned goes into a florist and says, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".
The florist looks at him and says, "Certainly sir. What are you after?" Wee guy replies "Ma hole"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:38

"Harry Lee is on a plane.
The pilot starts talking on the intercom and
then lays it down without knowing its still on.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two
things right now, a cup of coffee and a
blowjob."
The stewardess runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom.
Harry Lee stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee.
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:38

"Bought sausages from Sainsburys today that had a picture of Jamie Oliver holding cutlery on the front. On the back it reads "Prick with a fork" I admire their honesty."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:39

"For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shit?!". Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit. In turn, Jack Shit married Noe Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins, Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and had a rather nervous disposition named, Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers in a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an italian bride, Pisa Shit. So from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know Jack Shit! Keep this shit going=))"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:39

"I stole some lamb chops from asda today as I was legging it out of the shop security shouted "oi, what u doing with that" I replied spuds, carrots and gravy!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:40

"I woke up this morning, scored some weed from a neighbour, which i got for free,
then, after getting stoned, i shagged a prostitute, which her pimp let me do for free,
then i pulled up on the pub car park, had a couple of pints, followed by sleeping the rest of the day away in my company car.

I fucking love being a policeman."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:41

"A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:42

"A Cop just knocked on my door " I'm sorry sir but your wife has been involved in a fatal car crash and we would like you to accompany us so you can identify the body"

I said "I'm a bit fucking busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook. If its her I'll click the like button"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:42

"Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”."
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:43

"Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will
warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm
them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the
night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are
really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your
*ears* ever get cold?"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:45

"There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, Dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them Dam fish ?
The kid said, "I caught them at the Dam, so they're Dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the Dam fish!!His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."The preacher explained why they were Dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the Dam fish !!
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the Fucking potatoes will ya !"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:45

"A radio station is offering a world trip to whoever can come up with the best word that's not in the dictionary but can be put into a sentence. A Wee Glasgow guy calls in and says "ma word is Gaun, spelt g.a.u.n and ma sentence is: "Gaun f--k yersel". The DJ hangs up and apologises to his listeners. 5mins later another Glasgow guy calls and says "Ma word is Smee, spelt s.m.e.e. DJ says ok, what's your sentence. The guy says "smee again, gaun f--k yersel"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:46

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:47

"‎2 english guys are opening a shop in Argyle St and waiting on stock being delivered! 1st guy say's to his mate "Bet you we get some nosey Scottish bastard asking what we are selling". Sure enough within 5min the door opens and a wee glasweigian guy says "Whit yous sellin in here big man?" English man says "We are selling arsholes!" Without missing a beat the wee Glasweigian guy comes back "Yir dain well, only 2 left!
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:47

"I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:48

"Man walks into WH Smith & says "Do you have that new self-help book for men with really small dicks?". Girl says "I dont think its in yet" He replies "Yeah, that's the one!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:48

"A welsh bloke is having a driving lesson. When the instuctor says "can you make a u-turn?", the Taffy replies "make a ewe turn? I can make its fuckin" eyes water
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:49

"Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled "LSD"?"Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:49

"A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:51

"I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!"
ETc|Sparky
 

Re: Only For Laugh's

Postby ETc|Sparky » 28 Sep 2012, 00:52

"NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth.. There u have it! ICE is fuckin lethal. Warn all your
friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!! Forward this immediately.u could save a life!!! And don't forget wot it did 2 the fuckin Titanic"
ETc|Sparky
 

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